you're too cute for that

Mom: I’m going now, I want the house clean when I’m back in 2 hours

totally-relatable:

You: Yeah, sure thing.

Next hour and a half…

And then your mom calls to say she’ll be home in 15 minutes…

via sodamnrelatable

Nobody: American accents are such a turn on.

meanwhile at costco with my best friend…

Going to a friends house

Normal people: What a lovely home you have

Me: Whats your wifi password?

DEAR GOD.

i just have this really random good feeling that something really good is coming my way. maybe it’s finally my turn.

sam-ash:

Random ghetto dude on the street asked me out and I said no because I have a boyfriend.

If only he knew.

But seriously, what is my life?

Only guys I’m interested in either have girlfriends or don’t like me back, and the only guys interested in me are ones I’m not into.

Can this just stop?

THE YEAR 2758

child: mommy i can't sleep
mother: don't worry child. lay down as i sing you this ancient lullaby, passed on through my family for generations
mother: RACK CITY BITCH RACK RACK CITY BITCH